Murder At the
Savannah Docks
by Oscar DeHound |
Murder At the
Savannah Docks
by Duchess Floppeyears |
This sunny morning, all
seemed well with the world according to Whinny Whipper. She had loving thoughts
of going down to the docks to meet her boyfriend--Sammy, aka The Spoon,
Williams--who she says was proud to have been gainfully employed at the Deplume
Warehouse for some three years now. She sometimes went down to the Warehouse to
work in the front office for a few hours for a little extra spending money, and
then she and Sammy would go down to the Whitier Bar and Grill to enjoy lunch
together. Regulars at Whitiers say it was not unusual for them enjoy that lunch
in one of the rooms that Whitiers is known to rent by the hour for "private
lunches."
Not meaning to brag, but I've been known to enjoy lunch there
myself with co-reporter you know as the Duchess. These "private lunches" aren't
cheap by any means. When I asked Whinny how she and Sammy could afford these
private lunches, Whinny's uncle--Mr. Harry Whipper--physically roughed me up
and removed me from the house. I do hope my editor remembers to nominate me for
Reporter Most Often at the Emergency Room Award.
Sadly, Sammy the Spoon
was found boat side by Whinny. The morning she had begun with great hopes for a
beautiful, fun day quickly turned into a dark, nightmarish horror. Oddly, even
with the sun still shinning, a cloud burst drenched down on the docks at the
very moment Whinny found the body of the young man this reporter is totally
convinced she truly loved.
Coroner says The Spoon had three knife
wounds, rope burns on both of his wrist, a broken ankle, two cracked ribs, a
collapsed lung, and a brain hemorrhage. He also had a pack of cigarettes rolled
up in the sleeve of his T-Shirt. Regardless of what the Atlanta and Miami Media
is reporting, smoking cigarettes is not what killed him.
Have a Bogus
News Tip on this Story or some other story, Please Send It to
mailto:oscar@sayata.every1.net |
First, Oscar is telling
tall tales. I've never been to the Whitier Bar and Grill with him. I am a good
girl.
Second, according to Mr. Harry Whipper, the reason he roughed
Oscar up and gently tossed him out of the house was because Oscar started
licking Whinny in the face. I imagine he was trying to stop her from crying,
but still Oscar, that is just not proper behavior. At least it was her face.
You wouldn't believe some of the places where he licks me.
Now to
the news. According to Miss Mary Whipper, her cousin Whinny has a serious
problem when it comes to men. According to her, Whinny was just using Sammy as
an excuse to work and visit in that awful part of town. The Savannah Chamber of
Commerce questions how well you can trust Miss Mary Whipper. According to them,
she has been bad mouthing Savannah for years.
According to a sweet
talking blonde hunk at the Savannah Chamber of Commerce, Savannah is the only
city in the world that does not have a bad part of town. When asked about the
murder of Sammy Williams he replied that they understand that he died from
smoking related health problems. He reminded me that while smoking related
deaths have gone up year after year during the last hundred years, crime rates
have gone down year after year during the same period. According to him, the
murder rate is virtually non-existent.
When I started to argue with hunk
boy, he screamed like a girlie boy that if Sam's death wasn't smoking related
then why were Sam's parents down in Florida beginning a suit against the
tobacco industry.
I can still hear the ringing in my ears of him
screaming, "Sam's death." It suddenly occurs to me by the way he said it, that
he must have known Sammy or Sam as he called him. I say I need to investigate
more. Oscar says that if I go talk with that hunk again, he will never go to
Whitiers with me again. I keep telling him, we've never been to
Whitiers.
Stay bookmarked. I think I may be on to something. |
Horoscope
by Pokie & Bear
Forecast may
apply to the third, fifth, and seventh day after you've read this. Forecast
Expires July 1 or when you stand on your head and stick out your tongue. |
Aries - March 21 to April 20
| First Decan Mars |
Second Decan Sun |
Third Decan Venus |
If you work too hard, you may do harm to your
health. If you skinny walk (outside your body - astral project) a gatekeeper
(angel) may tell you something you might actually remember when you wake-up.
Wearing shoes too small for your feet will cause you pain. Not wearing shoes
where there is broken glass will cause you pain. Cussing out your boss may
cause loss of income. |
Taurus April 21 to May 20
| First Decan Mercury |
Second Decan Moon |
Third Decan Saturn |
Beware of half dressed strangers knocking at
your door. Don't allow someone to convince you to go flying in a small plane
being flown by a terrorist. Don't go jumping out of a plane without a
parachute. If you find money in someone's bed it may have strings
attached. |
Gemini May 21 to June 20
| First Decan Jupiter |
Second Decan Mar |
Third Decan Sun |
Skipping work and going to the park or beach
might not be a bad idea. It would not be smart to give someone $100 to hold
onto a wallet they claim to have found while they pretend to go looking for the
owner. Try to avoid running over a board with nails in it. You may have a fight
with a sibling if you bite them. |
Cancer June 21 to July 22
| First Decan Venus |
Second Decan Mercury |
Third Decan Moon |
Avoiding work may cause you problems. Robbing
a bank to pay off credit card debt is stupid. Having sex without adequate birth
control involved may cause you problems in 9 months. |
Leo July 23 to August 22
| First Decan Saturn |
Second Decan Jupiter |
Third Decan Mars |
A walk in the woods may result in a trip
to the morgue if you fall off a cliff. Snakes of various kinds, including the
two legged variety, may be lurking in the bushes and tall grasses. Beware of
Pisces. If you drink too much booze you will get a hangover. You know you've
drunk too much if you fail a sobriety test administered to you. |
Virgo August 23 to September 22
| First Decan Sun |
Second Decan Venus |
Third Decan Mercury |
Unless you are Catholic, joining the convent
is not the answer. If you have a holy experience, you probably should not begin
telling people about it by beginning, "Holy Shit, you won't believe what
happened to me." Seeing a UFO while walking home because you were too drunk to
drive probably does not count as a Holy experience anyway. |
Libra September 23 to October 23
| First Decan Moon |
Second Decan Saturn |
Third Decan Jupiter |
Plotting a nuclear war is probably not the
answer to your credit problems. You think all that equipment is cheap. If you
rear end a member of the opposite sex, there is a chance they might end up
marrying you. There is also a chance they might end up killing you in a fit of
rage. Either way, they will get even. |
Scorpio October 23 to November 22
| First Decan Mars |
Second Decan Sun |
Third Decan Venus |
People are either attracted by you or they
are repulsed by you. If they completely ignore you, it probably would not be a
good idea to get in their face and try to make them notice you. If you watch TV
you may actually see the event that is going to lead to WWIII that will last 25
years or maybe happen in 25 years. Whatever.. |
Sagittarius November 23 to December 21
| First Decan Mercury |
Second Decan Moon |
Third Decan Saturn |
Making your breast bigger probably is not
a good idea if you are a str8 man. Now if you are comic........ still not a
good idea. Probably not a good idea to spank your child in front of anyone in
Metro Atlanta. Don't you hate it when the doctor does the routine where they
ask you to cough and they do it before you've pee'd in the cup, and you've been
holding it all morning so you'd be able to pee in the cup. |
Capricorn December 22 to January 20
| First Decan Jupiter |
Second Decan Mars |
Third Decan Sun |
You probably shouldn't jaywalk today. Street
walking is a bad idea also. Pulling out a gun to shoot at someone who shot you
a bird is really not smart. Avoid problems by not falling asleep at that
traffic light. Don't go insane when the mailman puts the wrong mail in your
mailbox. You will soon enough get used to it. |
Aquarius January 21 to February 20
| First Decan Venus |
Second Decan Mercury |
Third Decan Moon |
Just because you may think you have found
proof a Pope look a like is being used by the Vatican, don't forget what the
first John Paul discovered in his final moments. The Cardinals don't like being
accused of things. |
Pisces February 21 to March 20
| First Decan Saturn |
Second Decan Jupiter |
Third Decan Mars |
What can I say. I've run out of half baked
material. That is what the Chef at your favorite restaurant may tell you. The
cashier you think is winking at you probably has a nervous condition. Garlic is
never the solution for bad breath. If you can't hold it, and decide to pee in
the bushes, you may get arrested for flashing. Beware of Leo. |
|
| Victim: Sammy The Spoon Williams |
| Coroner says The Spoon had three knife wounds,
rope burns on both of his wrist, a broken ankle, two cracked ribs, a collapsed
lung, and a brain hemorrhage. He also had a pack of cigarettes rolled up in the
sleeve of his T-Shirt. |
Suspect List
*Not all Suspects
Are Yet Known |
| Whinny Whipper |
| Mr. Harry Whipper |
| Miss Mary Whipper |
| Blonde Hunk - Spence Calley |
| Places |
| Deplume Warehouse where victim worked. |
| Whipper Home |
Whitier Bar and Grill Where Whinny and Sammy
would eat.
Some witnesses say they would sometimes get a private room. |
Additional Notes
|
| Whinny Whipper Found Sammy's body floating in the
ocean next to a boat. Will Oscar Dehound think to find out to whom the boat
belongs? Stay BookMarked and see if you can figure the mystery out. |
|
| TV Information |
| ABC - Not a thing on worth watching |
| CBS - Not a thing on worth watching |
| NBC - Not a thing on worth watching |
| FOX, WB, UPN In fierce competition with the other
networks, they have succeeded in copying their rivals. |
| Humor |
"Mr. Parks, I love your daughter and I want to marry
her," said the young man.
"You should be told son," responded the girl's
father gravely, "that Debbie has acute angina."
"I already know that,
sir," the fellow continued, "and great tits, too!" |
|
| Factoid |
The number of Americans who died in the American Civil
War equalled 2 percent of the then population.
|
| Speculation |
| Did Warren G. Harding's Wife Murder him? After learning
of her husband's sexual escapades she enquired of an investigator about a
little white power. Mrs. Harding later refused to allow an autopsy be performed
and what caused his death is still a mystery. |
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